The Lords Of Salem Review

[2013] Over the years I've had a pretty ridiculous love/hate relationship with Rob Zombie the filmmaker. Although more than a little derivative, HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES thrilled me with its muck, violence, Dr. Satan "mythos," and nostalgic nods to decades past. THE DEVIL'S REJECTS was a fun enough ride, but I'm still one of the few who favors its predecessor. His two attempts at the HALLOWEEN franchise did next to nothing for me, however, both are suitably brutal and (with the volume down to zero) make for wonderfully horrific eye candy. So when the filmmaker (thankfully) opted out of a BLOB remake and instead chose to adapt one of his "original" ideas, I was hopeful. It can't be denied that Zombie has a brilliant eye as well as a deep reverence for the films (and performers) he grew up frothing over; the bigger question is whether or not the man can build an interesting narrative that doesn't crib from too many places and has the desire to cobble together non-wince inducing dialogue (and a cast that can effectively deliver it). And for the record: I don't think Sheri Moon is an awful actress. Maybe she just lacks the range to carry bigger, more seriously emotive, roles. So, with those caveats in place, some trepidation also existed when THE LORDS OF SALEM found its way to my doorstep.

The film opens in 1696 with one Reverend Hawthorne writing in his journal about his desire to rid Salem of a group of witches. We're then shown said witches performing their satanic rituals before being transported to modern day Salem, Massachusetts. This is where the viewer is introduced to a woman named Heidi. As one third of a local radio gang she's a pretty groovy chick with an unfortunate drug addicted past. Once an old box from "The Lords" arrives at her radio station (addressed to her), things get freaky. Inside lies a record that when played (some pretty creepy ass music by the way) causes Heidi to see, hear, and feel some pretty, well, freaky things. To complicate matters, the DJ is also pretty sure that something strange lies in wait beyond apartment door number five (just down the hall from her home), which means her whole life is about to get a heck of a lot more complicated. Enter a mysterious landlady and her two "sisters," a writer well versed in the "Salem witches," and assorted ominously disfigured "figures" and we're off and running on a tale that puts the witches of 1696 Salem on a crash course with the Salem women of that today.

So, what was I looking for in THE LORDS OF SALEM? Haunting visuals, a semi-original spin on the whole Salem witch "thing," and a few knock out performances. What did I get? A few pseudo-haunting visuals, a "heart was in the right place" (yet) rather monotonous narrative, two very good performances, and a couple not so very bad. Yes, I know, I'm nitpicking. However, at this point, I want all this and so very much more from Zombie (a director who I honestly believe has "it," but just can't harness "it"). I'll be labeled a "hater," or worse, but THE LORDS OF SALEM did nothing for me. It was neither well, nor poorly, executed. It's total disregard for a coherent timeline, lack tension, absence of fear, or drama was balanced nicely at points by Bruce Davison (super believable), Meg Foster (creepy as all get out), and Jeff Daniel Phillips (a heartening anchor). And get this: Sheri Moon was pretty good throughout, until called upon to get too "serious." Yes, I rolled my eyes a few times during (what I felt were) some of the more self indulgent visual choices made and actually found the (much bitched and moaned about) ending to be quite apt. However, whether I'm expecting too much or simply not investing enough of myself, Zombie's steady decline in the genre continues. LORDS is by no means an awful film, it does, however, reinforce my suspicions that Zombie can certainly show us something cool, but is wholly incapable of doing any "telling." [5/10]

DIRECTOR

Rob Zombie

CAST

Sheri Moon Zombie, Meg Foster, Bruce Davison

RETRO: C.H.U.D.

New York City circa 1984 was a pretty scuzzy place. Looked sticky, smelled sticky, tasted that way too. Perhaps that's why one of my favorite types of films are the ones that take place IN the streets of 1980's NYC. Add to that the possibility of someone (or something) just as, or even more dangerous than us, hiding in the shadows and that city can become an even more terrifying place. C.H.U.D. centers around a series of strange and brutal murders that may or may not be being committed by a group of C(annibalistic) H(umanoid), U(nderground), D(wellers). Leave it to a group of oddballs: a policeman, a journalist, and his girlfriend to ban together in an attempt to uncover, confront, and eliminate the homicidal mutants that lie in wait beneath the city. C.H.U.D. actually (and strangely enough) fits into a wide variety of horror sub-genres. It's a monster movie, a who-dunnit, a cannibal film, and in 2012: a very silly (yet entertaining) trip down memory lane. I remembered the creature design thrilling me many years ago and even though it's clearly "man in rubber suit" territory we're dealing with here, it's VERY cool. With their eyes glowing, body covered in slime, and clawed nails grabbing at anything with a pulse, what's not to love? The acting is fine with this one, but the real stars of the whole thing remain the C.H.U.D.'s and the locations, plain and simple. Whether you're in the sewer, a back alley strewn with trash, or riding shotgun with one of New York's "kinda sorta" finest; director Douglas Cheek does just enough to keep the grit gritty and the creepers creepy.

DIRECTOR

Douglas Cheek

CAST

John Heard, Daniel Stern, Kim Greist

GENRE SNAPSHOT: The Guardian

From Filmmaker Aaron Marshall: I directed this back in the summer of 2007. I'd found out some things that year -- horrible unspeakable things. My identity was shaken and my dreams invaded by shadows. I was filled with such rage and sadness it was beyond words. I wrote this little story about an abstract force that gets rid of one the most illogical and abhorrent creatures on earth; a human being that would hurt a child.

Did You Know? [The Goonies]

The word SHIT is said 19 times in the film. Boy, how kid's movies have changed... For the worse.

The young actors didn't see the pirate ship before the scene was shot. When they did, they screamed, what else... But, "HOLY SHIT!"

The last name of the brothers who chase the Goonies is Fratelli. Fratelli means "brothers" in Italian. Big reach there.

The actor who played Data promised his mom he wouldn't use any bad language. So he spelled out the word SHIT when asked to scream HOLY SHIT. And yes, this whole post is about shit.

The Official Goonies Oath was cut from the final film. "I will never betray my goon dock friends / We will stick together until the whole world ends / Through heaven and hell, and nuclear war / Good pals like us, will stick like tar / In the city, or the country, or the forest, or the boonies / I am proudly declared a fellow Goony." Sad they couldn't find a place for that.

Sean Astin kept the treasure map used in the film. His mother later found it, thought it was trash, and threw it out. ASSHOLE!

One-Eye Willie's full name is never spoken, but is actually William B. Pordobell. The former certainly has a slightly nicer ring to it.

All of the bats seen in the film were made of crumpled pieces of black crepe paper shot from an air cannon.

The Mayor of Astoria (where the movie was filmed) recently declared June 7th "Goonies Day." Just in that town, but it should be recognized as such everywhere.

The film's accompanying book states that Chunk's parents do, in fact, adopt Sloth. They even throw him a Bar Mitzvah. I've got nothing witty to say about that one.

Ten Childhood Movie Memories

EXTRATERRESTRIAL DITCH DIVING

If there's one thing I'll never shake in my life, it is the feeling in my gut (as a young boy) when ET was dying. A jubilant night at the drive-in turned into (for a brief moment) an all out juvenile breakdown.

FRIDAY THE 13TH FACIAL

I'll always recall this moment as my first exposure to seriously gruesome effects work. I quite vividly remember watching this scene (and movie) over and over trying not to look away. It took a strong (10 year old) constitution to not watch trough partially covered eyes.

SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP ARM WRESTLING

This one happened in the theater right in front of my mother. Although the most gruesome bits were yet to come, I nearly recycled my popcorn when the bone made its way out of that poor guy's arm. My mom's groans didn't help either.

LARDASS AND THE BARF-O-RAMA

Equal parts hilarious and gross, Gordy's tale of a pie eating contest gone bad effected me deeply. In the throws of uncontrollable giggles, I also realized at that moment just how disastrous (and ridiculous) projectile vomiting is.

WHAT THE HELL IS A MONOLITH?

I have my own thoughts now as an adult, but the first time I watched 2001, I adopted a confused obsession with the object in question. It wasn't much to look at, and I had no idea where it came from, but its implied power fascinated me to no end.

THE TRUTH ABOUT RAPE AND REVENGE

I took full advantage of my local mom and pop video store the summer before 7th grade. That was also the summer I learned the hard lesson that not all movie nudity is meant to be ogled over by preteen eyes. Scarred.

THE MOST ANNOYING PARAPLEGIC EVER

Pretty politically incorrect here, I know. However, I can't think of one redeeming, entertaining, or striking quality regarding Franklin's presence. He single-handedly made me hate TCM. He was so annoying (in fact) that I found no relief (or joy) in his death.

WHY WIRE COAT HANGERS SUCK

Coming from an extremely non-violent home certainly magnified this moment. But watching the abuse handed down from mother to daughter in this one shook me from head to toe. To this day it's a very heavy scene for me to watch.

INTERGALACTIC INCEST

Yes, I know, Darth Vader is Luke's father. Yet the thing that surprised and disturbed me even far more, at that young age, was the fact that Luke and Leia locked lips. Just as I'm sure they were unable to, I also couldn't get that taste out of my mouth.

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN

This one absolutely lived up to all the hype once I was able to sneak it by my parents. It was the first time I'd experienced the melding of something (intended to be) joyful with truly horrific and vile behaviors. I was never the same.

Maniac[2013] Review

MANIAC was one of those films (along with HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER and COMBAT SHOCK) that truly cemented my love of films that examine grungy cityscapes and truly evil men. Despite its flaws, I've always had an intense reverence for it as a wonderfully grim cinematic time capsule. However, and oddly enough, I was not up in arms when news of the Alexander Aja penned (and produced) remake broke. With the inspired casting of Elijah Wood in the title role and a wholly intriguing POV shoot lined up; I had actually bumped this one up into "must see" territory. Certainly, no retooling of the original's story was going to take its place, so why not? In all honesty, my stance regarding remakes has softened considerable over the years. I now take a "wait and see" approach; seeing the ones that interest me and leaving far behind those that have no chance of turning out to be anything but poop. And although comparisons are difficult to avoid when sitting down with the dreaded genre film remake, every once in a while it can transcend the source material and allow the viewer to watch it and leave attachments to its "forefather" behind. I was pretty sure this new MANIAC wouldn't succeed to that level, but I was also pretty confident it couldn't totally fail.

The re imagining concerns a young man named Frank (Elijah Wood) who spends his days repairing mannequins from various decades. Living above the family shop (named "Angela's" after his recently deceased mother) that has been passed down from one generation to the next. However, Frank has major issues, specifically mommy issues. Exposed to an array of emotional abuse as a child (seems his mother had a pension for bringing home oodles of men for sex) the young man has grown into a monster. The "maniac" spends his free time trolling the streets of Los Angeles (no longer NYC) in the company van, finding a target (woman), and eventually scalping and murdering them. All of this is in the name of somehow reconciling with both his mother and his childhood trauma as he "lives" with mannequins adorned with the fresh scalps and "done up" to resemble each one of his victims. In this way (along with one humorous and one chilling homage to the original) MANIAC starts off hitting quite a few of the original's narrative beats. But (it needs to be said that) this iteration is much more a retelling in spirit than a bloody carbon copy. Once Frank meets a beautiful photographer named Anna (Nora Arnezeder) he's blinded by "love." Mind you, it's quite rare for our neighborhood psycho to meet a lady he can resist mutilating. So, romance is now in the air (at least for Frank) and it isn't long before his two separate lifestyles collide quite violently.

Dismiss from your mind immediately that the choice to film MANIAC as a POV piece is nothing more than a gimmick. It is not. Seen only in various reflective surfaces and occasional (rage induced) "out of body experiences;" Elijah Woods' killer is made all the more pathetic, frightening, and unsettling by the technique. Migraines bring the corners of his vision to a blur and having the viewer "piloting" this sinister ship makes for quite a ride. Aside from a few minor hiccups with dialogue and delivery, Woods' performance/narration is spellbinding. Kudos certainly must be paid to director Khalfoun for the beauty, atmosphere, and technical wizardry that is on display visually. A fantastically moody soundscape from ROB doesn't hurt one bit either. Opening with a bang (with the first of many harrowingly gruesome scalpings) and balancing its exposition and brutality expertly, this remake does in fact transcend its source material and become gleefully unique and engaging. With a magnificently complimentary performance from Arnezeder as the "love interest," a supporting cast nailing each horrific beat, and practical effects work that leaves not one ounce of nauseating scalpel work, peeling flesh, snapping bone, or popping tendon to the imagination; MANIAC succeeds despite its niche audience and gruesome subject matter. Of particularly upsetting and unforgettable note is (Anna's agent) Rita's awful demise and Frank's hallucinatory changes from flesh to "statue" and back. Sex, violence, insanity, and inanimate objectification never has (and more than likely never will) look and feel so simultaneously filthy and freeing. [9/10]

DIRECTOR

Franck Khalfoun

CAST

Elijah Wood, Nora Arnezeder, America Olivo

RETRO: The Andromeda Strain

In 1971, I imagine people of all ages and sexes flocking to the theater to take in a showing of this sci-fi gem. I also would hardly be surprised to learn that each and every audience member was pretty darn freaked out by what they saw. The fiction depicted on the "silver screen" had all the makings of tapping into fears of death, loss, solitude, and extraterrestrial invasion. The acting was superb, the chaos palpable, and the plot, well, just down to earth enough to make you pause a moment too long on the "what ifs" involved. When nearly the entire population of a New Mexico town dies, following the return (to Earth) of a super duper top secret satellite, the US Air Force goes on high alert and declares a state of emergency. Years before this event, a group of forward thinking scientists set up a fortress to deal with the possibility of a wide spread (and contaminating) alien virus/life form. The big mystery for the team to tackle is not just what happened, why, and the like, they also need to uncover the mystery of two very different survivors (and why they appear unaffected): an elderly drunk and a five month old baby. As the scientists race to discover the truth about this very unwelcome "intruder," they also have no idea just how grave the situation at hand has become. Unfortunately for all those involved, they may actually have to put to use the facility's nuclear self-destruct button in order to stop the spread of what is (quite astronomically) already out of hand. It's true that this one hasn't aged entirely "gracefully," but there's still a lot to marvel at (and appreciate) throughout it's run time. THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN always did, and continues to, pluck at an audience's nerves to the point of fraying. It's a wonderful example of truly emotive science fiction that, no matter how near or far from reality, resonates because of it's human element.

DIRECTOR

Robert Wise

CAST

Arthur Hill, David Wayne, James Olson

GENRE SNAPSHOT: Inside

About The Film: Daniel lives in solitary confinement. He sees a psychiatrist, but otherwise he’s alone. He suffers from multiple personality disorder. The voices in his head are visualized for us as nine different people. They include: a burly bald man who expresses Daniel’s rage; a dark-haired woman who expresses his regret; a little girl who expresses his innocence, and a man of about his father’s age, who chips away at his self-esteem. Reconciling these competing voices is a daily struggle for Daniel, and when he’s inhabited by one personality, he is that person, mannerisms and all. INSIDE was directed by Trevor Sands.

TERRORIFIC TOYS: Kooky Spooks

Available in iterations such as: Spacey Casey, Wonder Witch, Bone Head, Scardy Cat, Woblin Goblin, and Wunkin Punkin KOOKY SPOOKS were anything but ordinary. Released in 1979, these partially inflatable costumes were (and still are) something to behold. Other than the plastic poncho (that served its purpose well, but was a tad lame) the rest of the design was pretty sweet and also quite practical. I imagine parents appreciated the fact that their child's face was painted and fully exposed (thus eliminating plastic mask induced blindness) as well as the reflective surfaces. But the hallmark of KOOKY SPOOKS was the gigantic blow up head. Each character's melon sat upon yours with the wearer's face jutting out from what was the creature's "neck."

I never had one of these costumes since I was one of the few lucky kids whose mom actually made mine each year (and quite well I might add), but I vividly remember seeing them around and thinking they were pretty radical. I'm sure most adults that enjoyed Halloween as a child think back upon their experiences fondly. Every generation probably thinks their "trick or treats" were the "bee's knees." So, I could very well be totally off base when I say that All Hallows' Eve just doesn't seem to be enjoyed in the same way by kids today. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong... Hopefully I'm wrong. I'm also more than a little positive that KOOKY SPOOKS probably seem ridiculous in today's world. However, this guy personally thinks they still retain most (if not all) if their quirk, charm, and inflatable beauty over 30 years after their debut.

Ten Non-Horror Movies For Horror Fans

TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME [1992]

If you're not a fan of the series, this one may very well fly right over your head. Although it's structured in such a way that the uninitiated can certainly enjoy the chaos; it's definitely an acquired taste. But it's also quite moody, quirky, unsettling, and downright horrific in its content and execution.

THE MACHINIST [2004]

Yes, we've all heard about Bale's incredible weight loss. However, as troubling as that may be, the thrust of the film is more about the awful disorientation that comes from slowly losing your hold on reality. This one is a methodical descent into sheer madness.

WATERSHIP DOWN [1978]

If you're looking for a cute animated movie about a floppy eared bunny family, look the other way. Instead, you'll be watching in horror as a group of rabbits navigate a world full of menace. The movie is a benchmark in violent (see gruesome and gory) animation and tells a deeper tale of attempted survival and ultimately, destruction.

THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF TOM THUMB [1993]

I'm still not quite sure to this day if this one is best viewed in a narcotic induced haze, but I've always found this oddity to be both spellbinding and terrifying (sober or not). The heartbreaking and harrowing tale of the atrocities encountered by a child no one wants to love (or even try to understand).

THE VANISHING [1988]

Tapping into the very real and intrinsic fears of loss, betrayal, and paranoia; the remake is good as well, but the original is a blistering cinematic pistol whipping. An intense examination of the human spirit when pushed beyond reasonable levels of stress, second guessing, and disorientation.

LOST HIGHWAY [1997]

David Lynch's narratives rarely make a whole lot of sense. In fact, his films are (often times) not all that thematically sound. However, his disjointed and inexplicable dream like logic are precisely what make the events in movies like LOST HIGHWAY so unnerving. Be sure to watch this one with your gut, not your eyes.

RUSH [1991]

Built upon the foundation of two absolutely fearless performances; this one is depressing, intense, and harrowing in ways rarely matched. Watching two people willingly enter the "danger zone" and eventually succumb to its vile temptations is definitely something to behold. Love and drugs simply don't go well together.

HARDCORE [1979]

When a man's daughter goes missing (from her church group) in California, the troubled father goes in search of clues. What follows is a horrific downward spiral into the seedy bowels of the pornographic underworld; a place his young daughter has devastatingly become a part of. Soul shattering stuff indeed folks.

CACHE [2005]

Invasion of privacy can be a deeply unsettling thing. When a series of videotapes documenting time spent with your family (shot by an unknown outsider) start showing up at your doorstep, well, that's something entirely different. So much of the tension here comes not from the question of "who," but "why."

U TURN [1997] 

One of those wonderful films where everything that can go wrong, does. With oddly "on point" casting and performances littered throughout, this often overlooked 90's genre gem is a brilliantly twisted tale of a whole bunch of not so nice people doing a whole bunch of not so nice things.